so how in the heck did i become the other women....not that im complaining

well, to start things off. my mom died on Oct 30. 2009. She declined really quickly since the last post. October went by pretty fast...it was a blur really. it just spiraled down and down when suddenly it smashed my heart right out of my chest. i saw my mom during the last three days of her life. she was on hospice care. this means that there are no more doctors, just a load of schedule one narcotic painkillers and a nurse for every other day. we changed my mom's diaper. we cleaned her with a wash cloth. we made her sip water for her pills. we rubbed lotion on her feet and body to keep her from getting dry skin. it has almost been two months since she died, but it still seems like it was just yesterday that i was sitting in the living room at my parent's house with tears streaming down my face. when the funeral people came and took her away, I got so angry. I just burst through the kitchen grabbed my dog and started walking. I just wanted to beat something. I was gone for a little over a half an hour. I was angry because they were talking my mom away. i was angry because my mom died. I was angry that she had to suffer. she suffered so much. I would have gladly took her place if I could have. but sometimes, it doesn't really even seem like she is gone. but then other times, All i want to do is cry because I lost another best friend. first my kitty. then my mom. when i visit her grave, i cry alot. I miss her. Especially now. I am having quite the drama in my life right now.

so, about a month ago, this guy that i used to work with sends me a text asking me if i "want him to keep that promise". Seriously, I was thinking that i cant have sex with this guy. so acting dumb, i texted him back saying that I didnt know what he was talking about. He went on to explain that the one day at work, he was gonna sneak up on me and scare me, but this other guy ruined it for him, so he flipped me off instead. and i said to him "dont make promises that you cant keep" so about a month later, he comes over once maybe twice a week and we hang out and cuddle on the couch. We talk, listen to music, watch tv, or watch movies. I really like this guy. I feel safe with him. It feels right, although it is wrong. He has been with the same girl for 8 years, married for 4 of them. and I have been with my other half for 8 years too. This guy is funny, he jokes around, he is sensitive, he cries during sad movies, he is very sweet and he is willing to leave his wife for me. And he loves to just hang out and cuddle. I love it. I've had a crush on this guy ever since i met him. and apparently he has had one on me for about the same amount of time. Ive known him for 3 years. worked with him for 2 of those three. His wife knows about him being willing to leave her. She and I used to be friends. We cancelled our friendship when she found out that he was coming over to my place. I really wish my mom was here so i could talk to her about this. I dont know what she would say. She would probably say something about doing what my heart thought was right. And I dont know what that is. This guy is the emotional side that I have been with out for a while now. Charles is the financial stability and support side. This is a question that i need to ask kristine. Would i rather be happy or financially stable. My gut reaction says that I want to be happy. I dont know what I am going to do, but for now, I am going to have my cake and eat it to.

I think that one of the worst feelings in life is the feeling of loosing control. I am one of those types of those people that likes to know the plan before i jump in. I don't like surprises. So, believe me when i say that it felt like a bus hit me when i found out my mom has cancer. It started in her colon, she had surgery, but they didn't get it all. So i grew again and then spread to her lymph nodes...from there it spread all around her body. Right now, the cancer is mainly in her lungs, and she has a terrible time breathing. Her cancer has become resistant to the type of chemo that she was using that was working. it was one of the more aggressive chemos and it showed. It made her colon fuse to her bladder, which made her poop through her pee hole. the doctors fixed that though. A few months ago she had to stop this chemo cause it fused her bladder to her vagina. This time the doctors cant fix it. My mom has a tube in her one kidney so that one drains to a bag. The other kidney still makes urine pass through her vagina. so she has to wear pads for that. She also has a colostemy bag left over from her previous colon surgery. My mom isn't taking any chemo right now. The doctors told her that they aren't going to use the chemo that was working cuz of the obvious reasons, and that they other chemos that are available arent compatable with her kind of cancer. There is this experimental trial that is in billings, but my mom isnt sure that she is going to do it cuz insurance probably wont cover it.

I have a bunch of mixed emotions about this whole situation. i can be horribly sad and crying my eyes out one minute, and then angry as all hell and ready to punch holes in the wall the other minute. Part of me says that, my sisters and I, are too young to lose our mom. The other part says, that his disease can happen to anyone and my mom was one of the unlucky. And life doesn't always work out the way you want it, so sit down and stop complaining about it.

I dont really talk about my mom too much anymore. When she does come up in conversation, i dont allude to her having cancer or her being really sick. I tend to blow it off. It has turned into the white elephant in the room for me. when I do talk about her i get really teary eyed and sad. And I would rather avoid that. I know my younger sister is having a hard time with this cuz she works at a store in the town that we are from, and everyday people ask her about our mom. She cant get away from the white elephant. My older sister has a mental disability, but she is still pretty sharp. Last week when I was visiting, she said something like, "when mom gets better we are going to go eat mexican". Just a few hours ago she was telling me that mom has a bullitin board at work that people can write on and leave messages, and she wrote, "love, Natasha" on it. She also said to me, that she wishes that mom would get better. I think that she is starting to realize that mom is really sick, but dont think that she realizes that mom is going to die. I asked my mom if she knew how long the doctors were going to give her, and she said that they either didnt know or they just werent going to tell her. I think that my mom will be lucky if she were to make it to christmas of this year. I hope she does, cuz i thought that last christmas was going to be her last.

I love my mom with all of my heart, but i hate seeing her in pain. Since she isn't on chemo, the tumor or cancer is growing and causing her pain. She is on high doses of percocet multiple times a day. right now she is pretty lethargic and she zones out a lot. She cant walk for long distances or do much of anything cuz it is hard for her to breathe. I wish she wasnt in pain. She has always been a strong person, both physically and mentally. it kills me to see her like this.

July 26, 2009

Im not sure what is going on with me andmy other half. I know that today, I was having an off day. I had a head ache and I really didn’t want to do anything, but we didn’t really talk to each other though. It wouldn’t seem so bad, but this seems to be the case pretty much all the time. It seems as though we are room mates that sleep in the same bed. We don’t even have sex anymore. The last time we had sex was in march….that was 5 months ago. He used to, and when I say :used to: that means, about three or so months ago, try to get me to have sex. He would try to rub on me and spoon me and all that and I usually told him no. now, he doesn’t even attempt to try it. Its as though he doesn’t even like me sexually anymore….i don’t blame him if this is the case, cuz I wouldn’t either if I was him. Today, I was working on his laptop to fix how slow it is. I was installing a maintenance program, and avg. I got the first program working and then the avg was being really slow cuz I was just installing it from my computer over the network, so I decided to go and download it from mininova. When I opened it in abc, there was two porn movies being downloaded. That made my heart drop, and my face went numb. Then I quick closed it and acted like I didn’t see anything. He would much rather wack off than have sex with me. Like I said before, I don’t blame him. I have let myself go, and have gained twenty pounds in the last 2 years. Havin sex with me would be like having sex with a pile of bread dough….not attractive at all.

Me and my fiance decided to go on a little road trip this weekend. I am at my parents, and he is playing his D&D with his game group. All was going pretty good...me and my older sister watched some friday the 13th killer cut movie. This isnt my type of movie. I think that there were about 10 or so gratuitous tit shots. Seriously. And Jason comes back to life in the end. Geesh. Anyways, after the movie i pooped and peed my puppies. They are chihuahua/pug mixes. Me and a couple of people from work are fostering them. There is seven total. i have two of them. When i was done with that, my phone rang. it was the central dispatch for the police department. apparently they couldnt get a hold of my boss, so they called me because there was a dog that was badly hurt and it was snapping and growling at the deputies and they wanted to know what they should do with it. I didnt understand why it was up to us. im sure they find dogs or cats all the time. Anyways, i felt really bad, because after trying to get a hold of my boss twice myself, and also feeling pressured to give an answer to the dispatcher i told her to have them put the dog to sleep.....which means shooting it in the head to a deputy. I FELT SO BAD!!!! This is not what i really wanted them to do. i wanted them to wait for me and my boss so we could pick the dog up, so we could evaluate the health and temperment. This is where the problem lay, i am two hours away and my boss wasnt answering her phone! Luckily, as i was frantically trying to call my boss, afterward, she called me and i explained it to her. i was barely coherent because i had tears welling up and almost coming out of my eyes. She called central dispatch right away after that and in the end, she ended up getting the dog and taking it to the shelter. She txted me that it is an older female dog, who is scared, has some bruising, and she thinks that the dog was deliberatley dumped off. I think what upsets me the most about this situation is that, what if my boss hadn't called me back until later or at all for that matter? it bothers me.

On a happier note, after all this had settled down, me and tasha watched The Unborn. This is a great movie. There was one part where i totally screamed and about jumped out of my skin. I wish i would have seen it in the theater.

so right now i am laying in my bed. ive decided to keep my netbook upstairs, so i could go in the internet before i fall asleep....it makes me tire...yea, im weird. Anyways, ive been introspective lately. well, for starters i was thinking about why or how i gained so much weight. sure, i like to eat, but ive always liked to eat and just now i gained 10 lbs in a year. ive determined that my problem is that i have become terribly apathetic. i don't care what people think of how my body looks, there fore, i have lost the pride that i once had for my body. so i let myself go. i was also thinking about how i always stay home. i have pretty much become a hermit. the only times that i go out are if im with my fiance. we dont have friends that come over on a regular basis. sometimes we go to the movies with this couple we know. but most of the time i either stay home or i go the store and then go right home. i was thinking about this today, the actual thought someone calling me to go out and do something gives me great anxiety. i think it would be a 7 on a 1 to 10 scale. even seeing someone that i know in public, makes my heart beat fast and gives me butterflies. i dont know what it is. i dont mind being in crowds, but i would rather not be one on one with someone. i think that my anxiety stems from my lack of social skills. i have a hard time carrying a conversation unless there is some one that can facilitate it. i guess i am what you can consider a listener. i also have this bad habit of rationalizing everything. And i get it in my head that people dont want their problems rationalized and they dont want you to solve their problems. when i am in a one on one conversation, i get bored easily if i am not allowed do this. then i start to let my mind wander and then thats not good either. it is hard for me to stay focused on one person all the time, unless they are as ADD as i am.

i also determined today that i get depressed sometimes. sometimes, though i get elated. i might have some bipolar stuff going on. today was a depressed/lonely day. i figured out that one of the reasons why i dont think highly of myself right now is that i dont have any meaning in my life. nothing that really validates me as a person. when i started working at the shelter, that exhilarated me and gave a sense of accomplishment. now, its just a job with the same old stories and the same old routine. The animals are the only thing that keeps me working there.

i dont know what im going to do, maybe ill just go crazy.

Tonight is one of those rare nights that im not slurping on a vodka drink. I guess its not that rare. It just comes in binges. Anyways, i was just sitting here, and i was looking at a picture that i took today of one of my coworkers. She is holding a cat and smiling this huge smile. she looks like as though everything is right in the world. This coworker has asperger syndrome. She has a hard time relating to people and staying on task, because of this our other coworkers find it hard to work with her. Somehow i have managed to break through and I dont mind working with her at all. I tell the other people that we work with that they just have to "learn" how to work with her. i didnt find it that difficult. Slow, Steady, and Patience is all that i needed. Anyways, i was attracted to her right away. There is an innocence about that reminds me of my older sister. They are alot alike in certain aspects, and different in others.

It makes me wonder why other people dont have the patience (or willingness, most likely) to learn about other people. today, i was talking about her to one of our newer employees. He hasnt worked with her yet, but he said he has heard stories about her. He said this as if it were a bad thing. He just said that it was hard to work with her. I explained to him that yea, it is, but you just have to "learn" how to deal with her. It frustrates me, how people discriminate against others for the silliest of reasons. I think that its because they just dont understand and they fear (or try to avoid) what they dont understand. As soon as I found out that she had this syndrome, i looked it up and tried to understand what it was all about. Now, when i try to keep her on task, I do so in a way, where i dont come across as threatening or mean. Because of this I have built a good working relationship with her. When other people work with her, they get done late. When I work with her, we get done early.

Well, that all for now. Tomorrow morning comes pretty early. No Peace for the weary, and no rest for the wicked.

i've decided that i want someone to ravage my body. i want them to make me bleed and i want them to make me cry. i want to be begging for them to stop, but they dont. i want to be in pain and i want to see blood.

I went to my parent's house for the weekend, while i was there, i wrote a little ditty about my current frustrations that involve work. So, here it is for all you people on the web....
11.1.08
I almost started crying at work today. My manager came back and told me that i need to devise a new way of doing supplies because our executive director's head was going to spin off. I told her that amber needed meds, but no one told me and i didn't find out until i looked in the med book 3-4 days after she had run out. Then I told her about running out of bleach. (i was already frazzled at this point). I then went to make shots for Reuben, but we didn't have any bordetellas. I went to tell my manager and she said, "that's the last thing that i want to hear right now. I advise you don't say it any more because then it would be three strikes against you." WHAT THE HELL!!!! IT'S NOT MY FAULT!!! I ordered the shots a month ago, when we had three boxes left. Apparently they didn't get the fax that time. I sent a fax a week or so after that, they never called us back. As i recall, my manager ended up going there to pick up the meds that we absolutely needed. She did not pick up shots. She got syringes, but no vaccines. FUCK THEM, FUCK WORK!!! IT'S A BUNCH OF BULL SHIT!! IT'S NOT EVEN FUN ANYMORE. I DON'T WANT TO GET UP IN THE MORNING. I DREAD IT. ITS GETTING TO THE POINT WHERE I (HATE)-->(yeah i said it)WORKING WITH THE ANIMALS! It's pretty bad when I would rather work with the dead one's over the live one's. When she said that, it FUCKING PISSED ME OFF!!!!

If you can't tell, work is starting to get under my skin. I think that most of my issues stem from me being a new supervisor and not really knowing how to do it. Also, It doesn't help that I am working some long hours. 87 hours on this paycheck and two checks ago it was 93. Seriously. There is no time to relax. Even when I'm at home I'm thinking about work. It is wearing me out. I'm thinking about taking some vacation time and spending a few days at my parent's house. I don't know though, i don't have many vacation hours though.

well, here i am again. I've been in a depressive state lately. I dont really know what to think. all of my thoughts tend to revolve around "blah-ness" and suicidal tendencies. like right now, i want to type this blog out, but its taking all of my will power to get the words out cuz i just want to zone out. agh. anyways, last time i typed about how my thoughts sometimes tend to get away from me and i think of some horrible stuff. Well, lately, i've been having this thought of killing myself. usually i think about it when im laying in bed right before i go to sleep. i think about shooting myself or stabbing myself. usually it takes place somewhere where it will be easy to clean. for example at the animal shelter where i work in a kennel, in the cremation unit, or in the bathroom at my house. I did have a thought about me shooting myself in the bed and then having my fiance finding me when he came to bed. But that would be too messy. I dont know why i think these thoughts. i've always had some kind of disturbed thinking. well, on other news, my fiance and i haven't had sex in a month and a half. very upsetting. the other night we cuddled on the couch for a really long time and it was nice. i told him i was going to bed, but i could put it off if he wanted to accompany me upstairs. well, he got hard and then when we were getting into the doggie style position, he went limp and then i couldn't get him hard again. it seems like we always have this problem. he has a hard time keeping an erection if he isnt inside of me. even if we are going at it, he'll get winded and then he will lose it. its frustrating. we've joked about getting him some viagra or cialis or something, but we haven't. I dont think he would even go to the doctor for it. he would rather me go for him. i think its a pride thing. it gets so frustrating, when you work up the excitement and then in a blink of an eye, it all falls apart. what really got me the last time, was that he had the nerve to say somethink like, you must not really want it, cuz you're not trying hard enough to get me up again. are you kidding me? I shouldn't have to "try," it should happen naturally. erg!

Visiting my parents for the weekend

All right, so here i am sitting at my parents' computer. Both of my dogs are laying right next to me and either one of them or both have some nasty-ass gas. It stinks to the high heavens and the wind isn't working in my favor.

Anyways, I was playing a game of Yahtzee! when I started thinking about my mom. Sometimes i just start thinking and i cant turn it off and then it escalates out of control. When this happens, it usually ends up that I begin to think that the subject of my thoughts either dies, or gets seriously injured. I have even brought myself to tears by thinking about attending the funeral of a close loved one. It's not that its a passing thought, i have spent hours replaying and going through every detail. It can get sick sometimes.

Well, to get back to my mom. She was diagnosed with colon cancer in February of 2007. They didn't catch it until it had spread to places other than the colon. Well, she went and had surgery to get the mass removed and the she started chemo. To make a long story short, she had to have 2 or 3 other surgeries to fix what the chemo was doing to her body. what happened was that there were fistulas that were growing from her intestine to her vagina and also to her bladder. She was getting these fistulas because the chemo was too strong and it was interfering with the healing process. Whenever she went to pee, she had poop coming out of the wrong whole. So, imagine trying to push a regular turd through a pin hole. Yeah, it would be like passing large kidney stones sometimes twice a day. because of the excruciating pain that my mom went through, she stopped eating and she lost a large amount of weight. She weighed close to 300 lbs before she was diagnosed with cancer (she's a tall woman) and after she lost the weight she weighed 120 or less....She lost this weight in a month's time. My mom is also on high blood pressure meds, that she didnt know she was supposed to take with food. So, since my mom wasnt eating, she was lethargic, and she started to not pee as much. Turns out that the reason she was supposed to take the meds with food was because if not, if could cause kidney failure. That's exactly what happened. the day that my great aunt came over and saw how bad my mom looked was the day that my mom got to live. She had my dad take my mom to the ER. the doctors told my mom and dad that if she didnt come in that day, she would have died the next.

Anyways, my mom got more surgerys to fix the fistulas. This time, my dad took her to see a specialist in montana. She started to heal and it was great to see her eat food and enjoy it again. She was no longer scared of food.

She went through about a year of intense chemo. She had two types, long and short. I dont know what this meant, but it was making her better. Just recently, mom stopped taking her Chemo drugs because her cancer count is WAY DOWN and now she is only taking one med to help shrink the tumors. During this whole ordeal, my mom became unable to work, because when she lost all that weight, she was just a skeleton with skin. Everytime i came the two hours to visit her i hoped and prayed that she would look better, but for 3 or 4 months every time i came up she looked worse and worse. I would put on a happy face for her, but as soon as i started the car for the ride back, I would cry. I cried for the whole two hours on my way back home. It was dark times.

To get back on track, my mom gets to start work again on Oct 13th. I'm so excited for her. She has come such a long way. Even though her position is only going to be part time 2 or 3 times per week, she will be getting back out and doing something. My mom likes to keep busy, but i can tell that she is a little nervous about it because, lets face it, she's not like she used to be. Because of her extreme weight loss (she has gained some of the weight back. She doesnt look sickly anymore) and chemo, she has lost a lot of muscle mass and she has neuropathy in her legs. But i told her that she has to start out slow to get her feet wet so she can figure out what she can handle. And if she figures she can handle more, then more power to her.

Before my mom was diagnosed with cancer, when i was in jh or hs, my mom and my grandma had a falling out. My gram was/is a pill popper and an alcoholic. Since my mom's near death experince, they have started talking again and tomorrow we are all going out to a buffet for my grandma's 80th birthday.

It seems that this whole experience has changed how my mom views things. She was easy going before, but she is even more so now. Little things that would have gotten on her nerves before, dont seem to bother her now. My dog can get into the garbage and my mom laughs about it instead of getting frustrated. She does laugh more, and it can be the smallest thing and she will let out a chuckle. One of the really big differences is in the relationship that my mom and dad have. My dad realizes that my mom almost died. This scared him. He is now more helpful around the house, he talks to my mom more, shows her that he loves her more, is more protective of her (this annoys my mom, but make me giggle. I think it's cute). And even he has begun to be more open and carefree with life. Albeit not much, but if you knew my dad, it would almost be a 180.

I think the moral of this story is to not take your loved ones for granted, because in a blink of an eye they can be gone. I love my mom very much and since his whole mess started, i think that we have become even closer. Her bravery, tolerance, and persistance is an inspiration. For her to have gone through this, she is the strongest person that i know. I love her very much.

It's been a couple of days. On saturday, the fiance's parents came down and they spent the night. The reason for why they came down was because they renewed their wedding vows. Aww...GAG! Anyways, they annoy me when they come down. His dad is loud and obnoxious and his mom is quiet, she's not so bad. Well, the night before me and my fiance went out to the bar with a couple of friends. Another one of my friends showed up after she got off work. I've known this girl since we were in kindergarten and during junior high and high school, her house was my second home. it seemed like i was there more than at my own house. Anywho, she is pretty self focused *she's always been like this* I've learned to deal with it, but for those who are new to her, she almost certainly turns them off. My other friend's boyfriend *who just met her that night* told my friend that he didnt want to go out with her ever again. Even my other friend has told me on occasion, that she's not going to go out if she is going to be there. It get's tough for me because i want everyone to get along and to have a good time. Since they don't, i rarely want to go out with anyone. Geeze, it's been a long two weeks at work. If i figured it out correctly, i'll have over 93 hours on my next paycheck.

If you must know today is my birthday. It kinda sucks. I'm 26 and im feeling sad about it. I'm lonely. I'm always by myself it seems. I'm tired. I think im having an early mid life crisis. im thinking about how it seems that my life is passing me by and i havent accomplished anything of importance. it really sucks. I just want to have company and a sense of accomplishment.

I came back for something...now what was it?

I got my kitty back. Well, he's not MY kitty. I'm fostering him. He had stopped eating for a few days (he's pretty skinny to begin with) and I took him to the Vet. He was there for about a week. The doc couldn't figure out what is wrong with him other than the fact that he is anorexic and one of his kidneys could (and probably is) failing. Well, i guess that Maximum decided that he likes the expensive canned cat food. He has developed a taste for Fancy Feast GOURMET with shrimp and tuna. Seriously, why cant he just be normal and eat regular cat food. Oh well, as long as he is eating i'll feed him what ever he wants.

Frustrations about people

Today was quite the day. It seemed like that i was doing a lot of the stuff today, ya know, by myself, as a certain someone was sitting at the front desk doing......NOTHING! It annoyed me, but i kept busy so i didnt really notice it. anyways, there was this lady and her husband died a couple of days ago. The lady determines that she cant take care of all of there farm dogs anymore, so she has 7 of the old ones put to sleep. Ok, yesterday, she brought all 7 of them to the shelter to be cremated. First of all she just wanted them all done together. Then she changed her mind. She wants them all done individually. This wouldn't be a big deal, except for the fact that i am already behind and all of these friggin dogs look the same. She gave descriptions of them, but they all look the same to me. Picture me cutting open garbage bags and then being bombarded with the putrid smell of rotting flesh, blood, and urine. I spent 25 minutes trying to figure out which dog was which. My stomache can handle some pretty nasty smells, but that rotten urine was almost too much. If i hadn't left the garage, i would have thrown up. People shouldnt have pets if they cant give them a good quality of life. The dogs had bald spots in their fur, mud caked on them, and a few of them had matted fur. I guess this lady decided to keep the young dogs, I dont know how many of them there are)

Also, today, someone saw a dog get hit by a car. They picked the dog up, but it wasnt dead yet. The dog had a slow and probably painful death. Ya know what people? Keep your dogs contained. And make sure that the method of choice is secure enough so the dog won't get loose. Ack! Sometimes people make me frustrated. Maybe it's because that i tend to think that my way is the right way. Another frustrating thing about people owning pets is that a large majority of them dont put an ID on thier pet and those that have microchips, dont update their information. It makes me mad cause we want to reunite pets with their owner's but it rarely happens and these animals end up getting euthanized. It sucks. (if you haven't guessed it yet, i work at an animal shelter)

This awsome layout

This layout was exactly what i was looking for. Some people write in blogs to post their thoughts and views and they dont care if people know who they are. I, myself, am one of those private people who like to get their thoughts out, but would like to do so anonymously. This picture is a visual representation of my ideal. I think it's pretty awesome.

Some kind of Crazy

I am one of those people that has a million thoughts that race through my head at any given moment. It wouldnt be so bad, but there is no organization. I have a heard time remembering things, especially at work or when I get bombarded with a ton of information at one time. I joke that i have ADD. I've never been diagnosed with it, but i wouldnt doubt that i have it. Anyways, I have to write everything down or i will forget stuff. This usually works, but sometimes i forget to write things down because Im already on to the next thing. this can be frustrating. Sometimes i have to literally force myself to slow down and be deliberate in my actions and my thoughts. it can be hard sometimes. I wonder if anyone else has this issue...I know at work, it seems like im racing around like a lab rat (both my body and my brain) and everyone else is in slow motion. I think that they think that i am some kind of crazy because if a coworking is explaining something to me, i'll have to ask her to repeat it because im thinking about how the sky is blue. Seriously...that's not right.