so how in the heck did i become the other women....not that im complaining

well, to start things off. my mom died on Oct 30. 2009. She declined really quickly since the last post. October went by pretty fast...it was a blur really. it just spiraled down and down when suddenly it smashed my heart right out of my chest. i saw my mom during the last three days of her life. she was on hospice care. this means that there are no more doctors, just a load of schedule one narcotic painkillers and a nurse for every other day. we changed my mom's diaper. we cleaned her with a wash cloth. we made her sip water for her pills. we rubbed lotion on her feet and body to keep her from getting dry skin. it has almost been two months since she died, but it still seems like it was just yesterday that i was sitting in the living room at my parent's house with tears streaming down my face. when the funeral people came and took her away, I got so angry. I just burst through the kitchen grabbed my dog and started walking. I just wanted to beat something. I was gone for a little over a half an hour. I was angry because they were talking my mom away. i was angry because my mom died. I was angry that she had to suffer. she suffered so much. I would have gladly took her place if I could have. but sometimes, it doesn't really even seem like she is gone. but then other times, All i want to do is cry because I lost another best friend. first my kitty. then my mom. when i visit her grave, i cry alot. I miss her. Especially now. I am having quite the drama in my life right now.

so, about a month ago, this guy that i used to work with sends me a text asking me if i "want him to keep that promise". Seriously, I was thinking that i cant have sex with this guy. so acting dumb, i texted him back saying that I didnt know what he was talking about. He went on to explain that the one day at work, he was gonna sneak up on me and scare me, but this other guy ruined it for him, so he flipped me off instead. and i said to him "dont make promises that you cant keep" so about a month later, he comes over once maybe twice a week and we hang out and cuddle on the couch. We talk, listen to music, watch tv, or watch movies. I really like this guy. I feel safe with him. It feels right, although it is wrong. He has been with the same girl for 8 years, married for 4 of them. and I have been with my other half for 8 years too. This guy is funny, he jokes around, he is sensitive, he cries during sad movies, he is very sweet and he is willing to leave his wife for me. And he loves to just hang out and cuddle. I love it. I've had a crush on this guy ever since i met him. and apparently he has had one on me for about the same amount of time. Ive known him for 3 years. worked with him for 2 of those three. His wife knows about him being willing to leave her. She and I used to be friends. We cancelled our friendship when she found out that he was coming over to my place. I really wish my mom was here so i could talk to her about this. I dont know what she would say. She would probably say something about doing what my heart thought was right. And I dont know what that is. This guy is the emotional side that I have been with out for a while now. Charles is the financial stability and support side. This is a question that i need to ask kristine. Would i rather be happy or financially stable. My gut reaction says that I want to be happy. I dont know what I am going to do, but for now, I am going to have my cake and eat it to.

I went to my parent's house for the weekend, while i was there, i wrote a little ditty about my current frustrations that involve work. So, here it is for all you people on the web....
11.1.08
I almost started crying at work today. My manager came back and told me that i need to devise a new way of doing supplies because our executive director's head was going to spin off. I told her that amber needed meds, but no one told me and i didn't find out until i looked in the med book 3-4 days after she had run out. Then I told her about running out of bleach. (i was already frazzled at this point). I then went to make shots for Reuben, but we didn't have any bordetellas. I went to tell my manager and she said, "that's the last thing that i want to hear right now. I advise you don't say it any more because then it would be three strikes against you." WHAT THE HELL!!!! IT'S NOT MY FAULT!!! I ordered the shots a month ago, when we had three boxes left. Apparently they didn't get the fax that time. I sent a fax a week or so after that, they never called us back. As i recall, my manager ended up going there to pick up the meds that we absolutely needed. She did not pick up shots. She got syringes, but no vaccines. FUCK THEM, FUCK WORK!!! IT'S A BUNCH OF BULL SHIT!! IT'S NOT EVEN FUN ANYMORE. I DON'T WANT TO GET UP IN THE MORNING. I DREAD IT. ITS GETTING TO THE POINT WHERE I (HATE)-->(yeah i said it)WORKING WITH THE ANIMALS! It's pretty bad when I would rather work with the dead one's over the live one's. When she said that, it FUCKING PISSED ME OFF!!!!

If you can't tell, work is starting to get under my skin. I think that most of my issues stem from me being a new supervisor and not really knowing how to do it. Also, It doesn't help that I am working some long hours. 87 hours on this paycheck and two checks ago it was 93. Seriously. There is no time to relax. Even when I'm at home I'm thinking about work. It is wearing me out. I'm thinking about taking some vacation time and spending a few days at my parent's house. I don't know though, i don't have many vacation hours though.