so how in the heck did i become the other women....not that im complaining

well, to start things off. my mom died on Oct 30. 2009. She declined really quickly since the last post. October went by pretty fast...it was a blur really. it just spiraled down and down when suddenly it smashed my heart right out of my chest. i saw my mom during the last three days of her life. she was on hospice care. this means that there are no more doctors, just a load of schedule one narcotic painkillers and a nurse for every other day. we changed my mom's diaper. we cleaned her with a wash cloth. we made her sip water for her pills. we rubbed lotion on her feet and body to keep her from getting dry skin. it has almost been two months since she died, but it still seems like it was just yesterday that i was sitting in the living room at my parent's house with tears streaming down my face. when the funeral people came and took her away, I got so angry. I just burst through the kitchen grabbed my dog and started walking. I just wanted to beat something. I was gone for a little over a half an hour. I was angry because they were talking my mom away. i was angry because my mom died. I was angry that she had to suffer. she suffered so much. I would have gladly took her place if I could have. but sometimes, it doesn't really even seem like she is gone. but then other times, All i want to do is cry because I lost another best friend. first my kitty. then my mom. when i visit her grave, i cry alot. I miss her. Especially now. I am having quite the drama in my life right now.

so, about a month ago, this guy that i used to work with sends me a text asking me if i "want him to keep that promise". Seriously, I was thinking that i cant have sex with this guy. so acting dumb, i texted him back saying that I didnt know what he was talking about. He went on to explain that the one day at work, he was gonna sneak up on me and scare me, but this other guy ruined it for him, so he flipped me off instead. and i said to him "dont make promises that you cant keep" so about a month later, he comes over once maybe twice a week and we hang out and cuddle on the couch. We talk, listen to music, watch tv, or watch movies. I really like this guy. I feel safe with him. It feels right, although it is wrong. He has been with the same girl for 8 years, married for 4 of them. and I have been with my other half for 8 years too. This guy is funny, he jokes around, he is sensitive, he cries during sad movies, he is very sweet and he is willing to leave his wife for me. And he loves to just hang out and cuddle. I love it. I've had a crush on this guy ever since i met him. and apparently he has had one on me for about the same amount of time. Ive known him for 3 years. worked with him for 2 of those three. His wife knows about him being willing to leave her. She and I used to be friends. We cancelled our friendship when she found out that he was coming over to my place. I really wish my mom was here so i could talk to her about this. I dont know what she would say. She would probably say something about doing what my heart thought was right. And I dont know what that is. This guy is the emotional side that I have been with out for a while now. Charles is the financial stability and support side. This is a question that i need to ask kristine. Would i rather be happy or financially stable. My gut reaction says that I want to be happy. I dont know what I am going to do, but for now, I am going to have my cake and eat it to.

I think that one of the worst feelings in life is the feeling of loosing control. I am one of those types of those people that likes to know the plan before i jump in. I don't like surprises. So, believe me when i say that it felt like a bus hit me when i found out my mom has cancer. It started in her colon, she had surgery, but they didn't get it all. So i grew again and then spread to her lymph nodes...from there it spread all around her body. Right now, the cancer is mainly in her lungs, and she has a terrible time breathing. Her cancer has become resistant to the type of chemo that she was using that was working. it was one of the more aggressive chemos and it showed. It made her colon fuse to her bladder, which made her poop through her pee hole. the doctors fixed that though. A few months ago she had to stop this chemo cause it fused her bladder to her vagina. This time the doctors cant fix it. My mom has a tube in her one kidney so that one drains to a bag. The other kidney still makes urine pass through her vagina. so she has to wear pads for that. She also has a colostemy bag left over from her previous colon surgery. My mom isn't taking any chemo right now. The doctors told her that they aren't going to use the chemo that was working cuz of the obvious reasons, and that they other chemos that are available arent compatable with her kind of cancer. There is this experimental trial that is in billings, but my mom isnt sure that she is going to do it cuz insurance probably wont cover it.

I have a bunch of mixed emotions about this whole situation. i can be horribly sad and crying my eyes out one minute, and then angry as all hell and ready to punch holes in the wall the other minute. Part of me says that, my sisters and I, are too young to lose our mom. The other part says, that his disease can happen to anyone and my mom was one of the unlucky. And life doesn't always work out the way you want it, so sit down and stop complaining about it.

I dont really talk about my mom too much anymore. When she does come up in conversation, i dont allude to her having cancer or her being really sick. I tend to blow it off. It has turned into the white elephant in the room for me. when I do talk about her i get really teary eyed and sad. And I would rather avoid that. I know my younger sister is having a hard time with this cuz she works at a store in the town that we are from, and everyday people ask her about our mom. She cant get away from the white elephant. My older sister has a mental disability, but she is still pretty sharp. Last week when I was visiting, she said something like, "when mom gets better we are going to go eat mexican". Just a few hours ago she was telling me that mom has a bullitin board at work that people can write on and leave messages, and she wrote, "love, Natasha" on it. She also said to me, that she wishes that mom would get better. I think that she is starting to realize that mom is really sick, but dont think that she realizes that mom is going to die. I asked my mom if she knew how long the doctors were going to give her, and she said that they either didnt know or they just werent going to tell her. I think that my mom will be lucky if she were to make it to christmas of this year. I hope she does, cuz i thought that last christmas was going to be her last.

I love my mom with all of my heart, but i hate seeing her in pain. Since she isn't on chemo, the tumor or cancer is growing and causing her pain. She is on high doses of percocet multiple times a day. right now she is pretty lethargic and she zones out a lot. She cant walk for long distances or do much of anything cuz it is hard for her to breathe. I wish she wasnt in pain. She has always been a strong person, both physically and mentally. it kills me to see her like this.