well, here i am again. I've been in a depressive state lately. I dont really know what to think. all of my thoughts tend to revolve around "blah-ness" and suicidal tendencies. like right now, i want to type this blog out, but its taking all of my will power to get the words out cuz i just want to zone out. agh. anyways, last time i typed about how my thoughts sometimes tend to get away from me and i think of some horrible stuff. Well, lately, i've been having this thought of killing myself. usually i think about it when im laying in bed right before i go to sleep. i think about shooting myself or stabbing myself. usually it takes place somewhere where it will be easy to clean. for example at the animal shelter where i work in a kennel, in the cremation unit, or in the bathroom at my house. I did have a thought about me shooting myself in the bed and then having my fiance finding me when he came to bed. But that would be too messy. I dont know why i think these thoughts. i've always had some kind of disturbed thinking. well, on other news, my fiance and i haven't had sex in a month and a half. very upsetting. the other night we cuddled on the couch for a really long time and it was nice. i told him i was going to bed, but i could put it off if he wanted to accompany me upstairs. well, he got hard and then when we were getting into the doggie style position, he went limp and then i couldn't get him hard again. it seems like we always have this problem. he has a hard time keeping an erection if he isnt inside of me. even if we are going at it, he'll get winded and then he will lose it. its frustrating. we've joked about getting him some viagra or cialis or something, but we haven't. I dont think he would even go to the doctor for it. he would rather me go for him. i think its a pride thing. it gets so frustrating, when you work up the excitement and then in a blink of an eye, it all falls apart. what really got me the last time, was that he had the nerve to say somethink like, you must not really want it, cuz you're not trying hard enough to get me up again. are you kidding me? I shouldn't have to "try," it should happen naturally. erg!