July 26, 2009

Im not sure what is going on with me andmy other half. I know that today, I was having an off day. I had a head ache and I really didn’t want to do anything, but we didn’t really talk to each other though. It wouldn’t seem so bad, but this seems to be the case pretty much all the time. It seems as though we are room mates that sleep in the same bed. We don’t even have sex anymore. The last time we had sex was in march….that was 5 months ago. He used to, and when I say :used to: that means, about three or so months ago, try to get me to have sex. He would try to rub on me and spoon me and all that and I usually told him no. now, he doesn’t even attempt to try it. Its as though he doesn’t even like me sexually anymore….i don’t blame him if this is the case, cuz I wouldn’t either if I was him. Today, I was working on his laptop to fix how slow it is. I was installing a maintenance program, and avg. I got the first program working and then the avg was being really slow cuz I was just installing it from my computer over the network, so I decided to go and download it from mininova. When I opened it in abc, there was two porn movies being downloaded. That made my heart drop, and my face went numb. Then I quick closed it and acted like I didn’t see anything. He would much rather wack off than have sex with me. Like I said before, I don’t blame him. I have let myself go, and have gained twenty pounds in the last 2 years. Havin sex with me would be like having sex with a pile of bread dough….not attractive at all.

Me and my fiance decided to go on a little road trip this weekend. I am at my parents, and he is playing his D&D with his game group. All was going pretty good...me and my older sister watched some friday the 13th killer cut movie. This isnt my type of movie. I think that there were about 10 or so gratuitous tit shots. Seriously. And Jason comes back to life in the end. Geesh. Anyways, after the movie i pooped and peed my puppies. They are chihuahua/pug mixes. Me and a couple of people from work are fostering them. There is seven total. i have two of them. When i was done with that, my phone rang. it was the central dispatch for the police department. apparently they couldnt get a hold of my boss, so they called me because there was a dog that was badly hurt and it was snapping and growling at the deputies and they wanted to know what they should do with it. I didnt understand why it was up to us. im sure they find dogs or cats all the time. Anyways, i felt really bad, because after trying to get a hold of my boss twice myself, and also feeling pressured to give an answer to the dispatcher i told her to have them put the dog to sleep.....which means shooting it in the head to a deputy. I FELT SO BAD!!!! This is not what i really wanted them to do. i wanted them to wait for me and my boss so we could pick the dog up, so we could evaluate the health and temperment. This is where the problem lay, i am two hours away and my boss wasnt answering her phone! Luckily, as i was frantically trying to call my boss, afterward, she called me and i explained it to her. i was barely coherent because i had tears welling up and almost coming out of my eyes. She called central dispatch right away after that and in the end, she ended up getting the dog and taking it to the shelter. She txted me that it is an older female dog, who is scared, has some bruising, and she thinks that the dog was deliberatley dumped off. I think what upsets me the most about this situation is that, what if my boss hadn't called me back until later or at all for that matter? it bothers me.

On a happier note, after all this had settled down, me and tasha watched The Unborn. This is a great movie. There was one part where i totally screamed and about jumped out of my skin. I wish i would have seen it in the theater.

so right now i am laying in my bed. ive decided to keep my netbook upstairs, so i could go in the internet before i fall asleep....it makes me tire...yea, im weird. Anyways, ive been introspective lately. well, for starters i was thinking about why or how i gained so much weight. sure, i like to eat, but ive always liked to eat and just now i gained 10 lbs in a year. ive determined that my problem is that i have become terribly apathetic. i don't care what people think of how my body looks, there fore, i have lost the pride that i once had for my body. so i let myself go. i was also thinking about how i always stay home. i have pretty much become a hermit. the only times that i go out are if im with my fiance. we dont have friends that come over on a regular basis. sometimes we go to the movies with this couple we know. but most of the time i either stay home or i go the store and then go right home. i was thinking about this today, the actual thought someone calling me to go out and do something gives me great anxiety. i think it would be a 7 on a 1 to 10 scale. even seeing someone that i know in public, makes my heart beat fast and gives me butterflies. i dont know what it is. i dont mind being in crowds, but i would rather not be one on one with someone. i think that my anxiety stems from my lack of social skills. i have a hard time carrying a conversation unless there is some one that can facilitate it. i guess i am what you can consider a listener. i also have this bad habit of rationalizing everything. And i get it in my head that people dont want their problems rationalized and they dont want you to solve their problems. when i am in a one on one conversation, i get bored easily if i am not allowed do this. then i start to let my mind wander and then thats not good either. it is hard for me to stay focused on one person all the time, unless they are as ADD as i am.

i also determined today that i get depressed sometimes. sometimes, though i get elated. i might have some bipolar stuff going on. today was a depressed/lonely day. i figured out that one of the reasons why i dont think highly of myself right now is that i dont have any meaning in my life. nothing that really validates me as a person. when i started working at the shelter, that exhilarated me and gave a sense of accomplishment. now, its just a job with the same old stories and the same old routine. The animals are the only thing that keeps me working there.

i dont know what im going to do, maybe ill just go crazy.

Tonight is one of those rare nights that im not slurping on a vodka drink. I guess its not that rare. It just comes in binges. Anyways, i was just sitting here, and i was looking at a picture that i took today of one of my coworkers. She is holding a cat and smiling this huge smile. she looks like as though everything is right in the world. This coworker has asperger syndrome. She has a hard time relating to people and staying on task, because of this our other coworkers find it hard to work with her. Somehow i have managed to break through and I dont mind working with her at all. I tell the other people that we work with that they just have to "learn" how to work with her. i didnt find it that difficult. Slow, Steady, and Patience is all that i needed. Anyways, i was attracted to her right away. There is an innocence about that reminds me of my older sister. They are alot alike in certain aspects, and different in others.

It makes me wonder why other people dont have the patience (or willingness, most likely) to learn about other people. today, i was talking about her to one of our newer employees. He hasnt worked with her yet, but he said he has heard stories about her. He said this as if it were a bad thing. He just said that it was hard to work with her. I explained to him that yea, it is, but you just have to "learn" how to deal with her. It frustrates me, how people discriminate against others for the silliest of reasons. I think that its because they just dont understand and they fear (or try to avoid) what they dont understand. As soon as I found out that she had this syndrome, i looked it up and tried to understand what it was all about. Now, when i try to keep her on task, I do so in a way, where i dont come across as threatening or mean. Because of this I have built a good working relationship with her. When other people work with her, they get done late. When I work with her, we get done early.

Well, that all for now. Tomorrow morning comes pretty early. No Peace for the weary, and no rest for the wicked.

i've decided that i want someone to ravage my body. i want them to make me bleed and i want them to make me cry. i want to be begging for them to stop, but they dont. i want to be in pain and i want to see blood.

I went to my parent's house for the weekend, while i was there, i wrote a little ditty about my current frustrations that involve work. So, here it is for all you people on the web....
11.1.08
I almost started crying at work today. My manager came back and told me that i need to devise a new way of doing supplies because our executive director's head was going to spin off. I told her that amber needed meds, but no one told me and i didn't find out until i looked in the med book 3-4 days after she had run out. Then I told her about running out of bleach. (i was already frazzled at this point). I then went to make shots for Reuben, but we didn't have any bordetellas. I went to tell my manager and she said, "that's the last thing that i want to hear right now. I advise you don't say it any more because then it would be three strikes against you." WHAT THE HELL!!!! IT'S NOT MY FAULT!!! I ordered the shots a month ago, when we had three boxes left. Apparently they didn't get the fax that time. I sent a fax a week or so after that, they never called us back. As i recall, my manager ended up going there to pick up the meds that we absolutely needed. She did not pick up shots. She got syringes, but no vaccines. FUCK THEM, FUCK WORK!!! IT'S A BUNCH OF BULL SHIT!! IT'S NOT EVEN FUN ANYMORE. I DON'T WANT TO GET UP IN THE MORNING. I DREAD IT. ITS GETTING TO THE POINT WHERE I (HATE)-->(yeah i said it)WORKING WITH THE ANIMALS! It's pretty bad when I would rather work with the dead one's over the live one's. When she said that, it FUCKING PISSED ME OFF!!!!

If you can't tell, work is starting to get under my skin. I think that most of my issues stem from me being a new supervisor and not really knowing how to do it. Also, It doesn't help that I am working some long hours. 87 hours on this paycheck and two checks ago it was 93. Seriously. There is no time to relax. Even when I'm at home I'm thinking about work. It is wearing me out. I'm thinking about taking some vacation time and spending a few days at my parent's house. I don't know though, i don't have many vacation hours though.

well, here i am again. I've been in a depressive state lately. I dont really know what to think. all of my thoughts tend to revolve around "blah-ness" and suicidal tendencies. like right now, i want to type this blog out, but its taking all of my will power to get the words out cuz i just want to zone out. agh. anyways, last time i typed about how my thoughts sometimes tend to get away from me and i think of some horrible stuff. Well, lately, i've been having this thought of killing myself. usually i think about it when im laying in bed right before i go to sleep. i think about shooting myself or stabbing myself. usually it takes place somewhere where it will be easy to clean. for example at the animal shelter where i work in a kennel, in the cremation unit, or in the bathroom at my house. I did have a thought about me shooting myself in the bed and then having my fiance finding me when he came to bed. But that would be too messy. I dont know why i think these thoughts. i've always had some kind of disturbed thinking. well, on other news, my fiance and i haven't had sex in a month and a half. very upsetting. the other night we cuddled on the couch for a really long time and it was nice. i told him i was going to bed, but i could put it off if he wanted to accompany me upstairs. well, he got hard and then when we were getting into the doggie style position, he went limp and then i couldn't get him hard again. it seems like we always have this problem. he has a hard time keeping an erection if he isnt inside of me. even if we are going at it, he'll get winded and then he will lose it. its frustrating. we've joked about getting him some viagra or cialis or something, but we haven't. I dont think he would even go to the doctor for it. he would rather me go for him. i think its a pride thing. it gets so frustrating, when you work up the excitement and then in a blink of an eye, it all falls apart. what really got me the last time, was that he had the nerve to say somethink like, you must not really want it, cuz you're not trying hard enough to get me up again. are you kidding me? I shouldn't have to "try," it should happen naturally. erg!