I think that one of the worst feelings in life is the feeling of loosing control. I am one of those types of those people that likes to know the plan before i jump in. I don't like surprises. So, believe me when i say that it felt like a bus hit me when i found out my mom has cancer. It started in her colon, she had surgery, but they didn't get it all. So i grew again and then spread to her lymph nodes...from there it spread all around her body. Right now, the cancer is mainly in her lungs, and she has a terrible time breathing. Her cancer has become resistant to the type of chemo that she was using that was working. it was one of the more aggressive chemos and it showed. It made her colon fuse to her bladder, which made her poop through her pee hole. the doctors fixed that though. A few months ago she had to stop this chemo cause it fused her bladder to her vagina. This time the doctors cant fix it. My mom has a tube in her one kidney so that one drains to a bag. The other kidney still makes urine pass through her vagina. so she has to wear pads for that. She also has a colostemy bag left over from her previous colon surgery. My mom isn't taking any chemo right now. The doctors told her that they aren't going to use the chemo that was working cuz of the obvious reasons, and that they other chemos that are available arent compatable with her kind of cancer. There is this experimental trial that is in billings, but my mom isnt sure that she is going to do it cuz insurance probably wont cover it.

I have a bunch of mixed emotions about this whole situation. i can be horribly sad and crying my eyes out one minute, and then angry as all hell and ready to punch holes in the wall the other minute. Part of me says that, my sisters and I, are too young to lose our mom. The other part says, that his disease can happen to anyone and my mom was one of the unlucky. And life doesn't always work out the way you want it, so sit down and stop complaining about it.

I dont really talk about my mom too much anymore. When she does come up in conversation, i dont allude to her having cancer or her being really sick. I tend to blow it off. It has turned into the white elephant in the room for me. when I do talk about her i get really teary eyed and sad. And I would rather avoid that. I know my younger sister is having a hard time with this cuz she works at a store in the town that we are from, and everyday people ask her about our mom. She cant get away from the white elephant. My older sister has a mental disability, but she is still pretty sharp. Last week when I was visiting, she said something like, "when mom gets better we are going to go eat mexican". Just a few hours ago she was telling me that mom has a bullitin board at work that people can write on and leave messages, and she wrote, "love, Natasha" on it. She also said to me, that she wishes that mom would get better. I think that she is starting to realize that mom is really sick, but dont think that she realizes that mom is going to die. I asked my mom if she knew how long the doctors were going to give her, and she said that they either didnt know or they just werent going to tell her. I think that my mom will be lucky if she were to make it to christmas of this year. I hope she does, cuz i thought that last christmas was going to be her last.

I love my mom with all of my heart, but i hate seeing her in pain. Since she isn't on chemo, the tumor or cancer is growing and causing her pain. She is on high doses of percocet multiple times a day. right now she is pretty lethargic and she zones out a lot. She cant walk for long distances or do much of anything cuz it is hard for her to breathe. I wish she wasnt in pain. She has always been a strong person, both physically and mentally. it kills me to see her like this.