so how in the heck did i become the other women....not that im complaining

well, to start things off. my mom died on Oct 30. 2009. She declined really quickly since the last post. October went by pretty fast...it was a blur really. it just spiraled down and down when suddenly it smashed my heart right out of my chest. i saw my mom during the last three days of her life. she was on hospice care. this means that there are no more doctors, just a load of schedule one narcotic painkillers and a nurse for every other day. we changed my mom's diaper. we cleaned her with a wash cloth. we made her sip water for her pills. we rubbed lotion on her feet and body to keep her from getting dry skin. it has almost been two months since she died, but it still seems like it was just yesterday that i was sitting in the living room at my parent's house with tears streaming down my face. when the funeral people came and took her away, I got so angry. I just burst through the kitchen grabbed my dog and started walking. I just wanted to beat something. I was gone for a little over a half an hour. I was angry because they were talking my mom away. i was angry because my mom died. I was angry that she had to suffer. she suffered so much. I would have gladly took her place if I could have. but sometimes, it doesn't really even seem like she is gone. but then other times, All i want to do is cry because I lost another best friend. first my kitty. then my mom. when i visit her grave, i cry alot. I miss her. Especially now. I am having quite the drama in my life right now.

so, about a month ago, this guy that i used to work with sends me a text asking me if i "want him to keep that promise". Seriously, I was thinking that i cant have sex with this guy. so acting dumb, i texted him back saying that I didnt know what he was talking about. He went on to explain that the one day at work, he was gonna sneak up on me and scare me, but this other guy ruined it for him, so he flipped me off instead. and i said to him "dont make promises that you cant keep" so about a month later, he comes over once maybe twice a week and we hang out and cuddle on the couch. We talk, listen to music, watch tv, or watch movies. I really like this guy. I feel safe with him. It feels right, although it is wrong. He has been with the same girl for 8 years, married for 4 of them. and I have been with my other half for 8 years too. This guy is funny, he jokes around, he is sensitive, he cries during sad movies, he is very sweet and he is willing to leave his wife for me. And he loves to just hang out and cuddle. I love it. I've had a crush on this guy ever since i met him. and apparently he has had one on me for about the same amount of time. Ive known him for 3 years. worked with him for 2 of those three. His wife knows about him being willing to leave her. She and I used to be friends. We cancelled our friendship when she found out that he was coming over to my place. I really wish my mom was here so i could talk to her about this. I dont know what she would say. She would probably say something about doing what my heart thought was right. And I dont know what that is. This guy is the emotional side that I have been with out for a while now. Charles is the financial stability and support side. This is a question that i need to ask kristine. Would i rather be happy or financially stable. My gut reaction says that I want to be happy. I dont know what I am going to do, but for now, I am going to have my cake and eat it to.

I think that one of the worst feelings in life is the feeling of loosing control. I am one of those types of those people that likes to know the plan before i jump in. I don't like surprises. So, believe me when i say that it felt like a bus hit me when i found out my mom has cancer. It started in her colon, she had surgery, but they didn't get it all. So i grew again and then spread to her lymph nodes...from there it spread all around her body. Right now, the cancer is mainly in her lungs, and she has a terrible time breathing. Her cancer has become resistant to the type of chemo that she was using that was working. it was one of the more aggressive chemos and it showed. It made her colon fuse to her bladder, which made her poop through her pee hole. the doctors fixed that though. A few months ago she had to stop this chemo cause it fused her bladder to her vagina. This time the doctors cant fix it. My mom has a tube in her one kidney so that one drains to a bag. The other kidney still makes urine pass through her vagina. so she has to wear pads for that. She also has a colostemy bag left over from her previous colon surgery. My mom isn't taking any chemo right now. The doctors told her that they aren't going to use the chemo that was working cuz of the obvious reasons, and that they other chemos that are available arent compatable with her kind of cancer. There is this experimental trial that is in billings, but my mom isnt sure that she is going to do it cuz insurance probably wont cover it.

I have a bunch of mixed emotions about this whole situation. i can be horribly sad and crying my eyes out one minute, and then angry as all hell and ready to punch holes in the wall the other minute. Part of me says that, my sisters and I, are too young to lose our mom. The other part says, that his disease can happen to anyone and my mom was one of the unlucky. And life doesn't always work out the way you want it, so sit down and stop complaining about it.

I dont really talk about my mom too much anymore. When she does come up in conversation, i dont allude to her having cancer or her being really sick. I tend to blow it off. It has turned into the white elephant in the room for me. when I do talk about her i get really teary eyed and sad. And I would rather avoid that. I know my younger sister is having a hard time with this cuz she works at a store in the town that we are from, and everyday people ask her about our mom. She cant get away from the white elephant. My older sister has a mental disability, but she is still pretty sharp. Last week when I was visiting, she said something like, "when mom gets better we are going to go eat mexican". Just a few hours ago she was telling me that mom has a bullitin board at work that people can write on and leave messages, and she wrote, "love, Natasha" on it. She also said to me, that she wishes that mom would get better. I think that she is starting to realize that mom is really sick, but dont think that she realizes that mom is going to die. I asked my mom if she knew how long the doctors were going to give her, and she said that they either didnt know or they just werent going to tell her. I think that my mom will be lucky if she were to make it to christmas of this year. I hope she does, cuz i thought that last christmas was going to be her last.

I love my mom with all of my heart, but i hate seeing her in pain. Since she isn't on chemo, the tumor or cancer is growing and causing her pain. She is on high doses of percocet multiple times a day. right now she is pretty lethargic and she zones out a lot. She cant walk for long distances or do much of anything cuz it is hard for her to breathe. I wish she wasnt in pain. She has always been a strong person, both physically and mentally. it kills me to see her like this.

July 26, 2009

Im not sure what is going on with me andmy other half. I know that today, I was having an off day. I had a head ache and I really didn’t want to do anything, but we didn’t really talk to each other though. It wouldn’t seem so bad, but this seems to be the case pretty much all the time. It seems as though we are room mates that sleep in the same bed. We don’t even have sex anymore. The last time we had sex was in march….that was 5 months ago. He used to, and when I say :used to: that means, about three or so months ago, try to get me to have sex. He would try to rub on me and spoon me and all that and I usually told him no. now, he doesn’t even attempt to try it. Its as though he doesn’t even like me sexually anymore….i don’t blame him if this is the case, cuz I wouldn’t either if I was him. Today, I was working on his laptop to fix how slow it is. I was installing a maintenance program, and avg. I got the first program working and then the avg was being really slow cuz I was just installing it from my computer over the network, so I decided to go and download it from mininova. When I opened it in abc, there was two porn movies being downloaded. That made my heart drop, and my face went numb. Then I quick closed it and acted like I didn’t see anything. He would much rather wack off than have sex with me. Like I said before, I don’t blame him. I have let myself go, and have gained twenty pounds in the last 2 years. Havin sex with me would be like having sex with a pile of bread dough….not attractive at all.

Me and my fiance decided to go on a little road trip this weekend. I am at my parents, and he is playing his D&D with his game group. All was going pretty good...me and my older sister watched some friday the 13th killer cut movie. This isnt my type of movie. I think that there were about 10 or so gratuitous tit shots. Seriously. And Jason comes back to life in the end. Geesh. Anyways, after the movie i pooped and peed my puppies. They are chihuahua/pug mixes. Me and a couple of people from work are fostering them. There is seven total. i have two of them. When i was done with that, my phone rang. it was the central dispatch for the police department. apparently they couldnt get a hold of my boss, so they called me because there was a dog that was badly hurt and it was snapping and growling at the deputies and they wanted to know what they should do with it. I didnt understand why it was up to us. im sure they find dogs or cats all the time. Anyways, i felt really bad, because after trying to get a hold of my boss twice myself, and also feeling pressured to give an answer to the dispatcher i told her to have them put the dog to sleep.....which means shooting it in the head to a deputy. I FELT SO BAD!!!! This is not what i really wanted them to do. i wanted them to wait for me and my boss so we could pick the dog up, so we could evaluate the health and temperment. This is where the problem lay, i am two hours away and my boss wasnt answering her phone! Luckily, as i was frantically trying to call my boss, afterward, she called me and i explained it to her. i was barely coherent because i had tears welling up and almost coming out of my eyes. She called central dispatch right away after that and in the end, she ended up getting the dog and taking it to the shelter. She txted me that it is an older female dog, who is scared, has some bruising, and she thinks that the dog was deliberatley dumped off. I think what upsets me the most about this situation is that, what if my boss hadn't called me back until later or at all for that matter? it bothers me.

On a happier note, after all this had settled down, me and tasha watched The Unborn. This is a great movie. There was one part where i totally screamed and about jumped out of my skin. I wish i would have seen it in the theater.

so right now i am laying in my bed. ive decided to keep my netbook upstairs, so i could go in the internet before i fall asleep....it makes me tire...yea, im weird. Anyways, ive been introspective lately. well, for starters i was thinking about why or how i gained so much weight. sure, i like to eat, but ive always liked to eat and just now i gained 10 lbs in a year. ive determined that my problem is that i have become terribly apathetic. i don't care what people think of how my body looks, there fore, i have lost the pride that i once had for my body. so i let myself go. i was also thinking about how i always stay home. i have pretty much become a hermit. the only times that i go out are if im with my fiance. we dont have friends that come over on a regular basis. sometimes we go to the movies with this couple we know. but most of the time i either stay home or i go the store and then go right home. i was thinking about this today, the actual thought someone calling me to go out and do something gives me great anxiety. i think it would be a 7 on a 1 to 10 scale. even seeing someone that i know in public, makes my heart beat fast and gives me butterflies. i dont know what it is. i dont mind being in crowds, but i would rather not be one on one with someone. i think that my anxiety stems from my lack of social skills. i have a hard time carrying a conversation unless there is some one that can facilitate it. i guess i am what you can consider a listener. i also have this bad habit of rationalizing everything. And i get it in my head that people dont want their problems rationalized and they dont want you to solve their problems. when i am in a one on one conversation, i get bored easily if i am not allowed do this. then i start to let my mind wander and then thats not good either. it is hard for me to stay focused on one person all the time, unless they are as ADD as i am.

i also determined today that i get depressed sometimes. sometimes, though i get elated. i might have some bipolar stuff going on. today was a depressed/lonely day. i figured out that one of the reasons why i dont think highly of myself right now is that i dont have any meaning in my life. nothing that really validates me as a person. when i started working at the shelter, that exhilarated me and gave a sense of accomplishment. now, its just a job with the same old stories and the same old routine. The animals are the only thing that keeps me working there.

i dont know what im going to do, maybe ill just go crazy.

Tonight is one of those rare nights that im not slurping on a vodka drink. I guess its not that rare. It just comes in binges. Anyways, i was just sitting here, and i was looking at a picture that i took today of one of my coworkers. She is holding a cat and smiling this huge smile. she looks like as though everything is right in the world. This coworker has asperger syndrome. She has a hard time relating to people and staying on task, because of this our other coworkers find it hard to work with her. Somehow i have managed to break through and I dont mind working with her at all. I tell the other people that we work with that they just have to "learn" how to work with her. i didnt find it that difficult. Slow, Steady, and Patience is all that i needed. Anyways, i was attracted to her right away. There is an innocence about that reminds me of my older sister. They are alot alike in certain aspects, and different in others.

It makes me wonder why other people dont have the patience (or willingness, most likely) to learn about other people. today, i was talking about her to one of our newer employees. He hasnt worked with her yet, but he said he has heard stories about her. He said this as if it were a bad thing. He just said that it was hard to work with her. I explained to him that yea, it is, but you just have to "learn" how to deal with her. It frustrates me, how people discriminate against others for the silliest of reasons. I think that its because they just dont understand and they fear (or try to avoid) what they dont understand. As soon as I found out that she had this syndrome, i looked it up and tried to understand what it was all about. Now, when i try to keep her on task, I do so in a way, where i dont come across as threatening or mean. Because of this I have built a good working relationship with her. When other people work with her, they get done late. When I work with her, we get done early.

Well, that all for now. Tomorrow morning comes pretty early. No Peace for the weary, and no rest for the wicked.

i've decided that i want someone to ravage my body. i want them to make me bleed and i want them to make me cry. i want to be begging for them to stop, but they dont. i want to be in pain and i want to see blood.