so right now i am laying in my bed. ive decided to keep my netbook upstairs, so i could go in the internet before i fall asleep....it makes me tire...yea, im weird. Anyways, ive been introspective lately. well, for starters i was thinking about why or how i gained so much weight. sure, i like to eat, but ive always liked to eat and just now i gained 10 lbs in a year. ive determined that my problem is that i have become terribly apathetic. i don't care what people think of how my body looks, there fore, i have lost the pride that i once had for my body. so i let myself go. i was also thinking about how i always stay home. i have pretty much become a hermit. the only times that i go out are if im with my fiance. we dont have friends that come over on a regular basis. sometimes we go to the movies with this couple we know. but most of the time i either stay home or i go the store and then go right home. i was thinking about this today, the actual thought someone calling me to go out and do something gives me great anxiety. i think it would be a 7 on a 1 to 10 scale. even seeing someone that i know in public, makes my heart beat fast and gives me butterflies. i dont know what it is. i dont mind being in crowds, but i would rather not be one on one with someone. i think that my anxiety stems from my lack of social skills. i have a hard time carrying a conversation unless there is some one that can facilitate it. i guess i am what you can consider a listener. i also have this bad habit of rationalizing everything. And i get it in my head that people dont want their problems rationalized and they dont want you to solve their problems. when i am in a one on one conversation, i get bored easily if i am not allowed do this. then i start to let my mind wander and then thats not good either. it is hard for me to stay focused on one person all the time, unless they are as ADD as i am.

i also determined today that i get depressed sometimes. sometimes, though i get elated. i might have some bipolar stuff going on. today was a depressed/lonely day. i figured out that one of the reasons why i dont think highly of myself right now is that i dont have any meaning in my life. nothing that really validates me as a person. when i started working at the shelter, that exhilarated me and gave a sense of accomplishment. now, its just a job with the same old stories and the same old routine. The animals are the only thing that keeps me working there.

i dont know what im going to do, maybe ill just go crazy.